“How can this person, whom I trusted with my soul, who knew everything about me, especially my pain, all that I’ve been through, still hurt me? How do I heal from that? How do I trust again?” I’ve been asked this question so many times in my sessions, and I want to share my thoughts on this.
First, I really do believe that when people hurt us, in whatever ways they do that lead to our pain, it says more about them than, as that saying goes, “hurt people, hurt people”. People’s hurtful actions are indicative of how they also carry pain within them and handle things around them. While our own pain and how we handle it really say a lot about us than the people who hurt us.
Of course, it is painful when we open ourselves to others and still, at the end of the day, get betrayed by the very people we trusted our story and shared our vulnerability with. Yet, it is important to remember that people knowing our pain don’t really equate to them never hurting us. In fact, when we trust people, we automatically give them the power to hurt us. That’s the ironic beauty of trust; we share our most vulnerable parts, believing it will be safe with that person, but there’s really no guarantee.
That kind of power we give to others, however, as I’ve experienced and learned, is unstable and temporary because their ability to stay consistent in holding space for us and keeping our vulnerabilities safe is reliant on their own journey in life, which is always uncertain and out of our control.
True power is in us being able to share our story despite the fear. It is in us having the courage to trust again after all the hurt, scars, and while certain wounds are still healing. True power lies within the acceptance of ourselves despite our past mistakes, painful experiences, flaws and all. True power is us embracing the truth that we are whole, that we have been all along, full of love with or without someone else’s validation of that.
We heal by continuously trying, and we trust again by believing and living the truth that we have the power within us all along. The short answer really is to look closely within oneself when feeling wounded and further asking yourself “why am I hurt and what can I do about this hurt?” instead of asking “why did the other person hurt me and how can they do this to me?” In my experience, choice and accountability are keys to healing and genuine empowerment. I can proudly say, I am in good and healthy relationships (not just in my marriage but in my friendships) because of my constant decision to trust myself and my process as I grow as a person and get to know every new revealed part of me and share those new discoveries with people I love. And because I always remind myself to take accountability for my own emotions, good and bad, and not project them onto others to make sure I am providing a healthy space for my relationships to prosper.